March 2022 Update: Fun fact! I’ve recently learned my “soul urge” number in numerology is 8, which is all about money, power, abundance, etc. Of COURSE this is a big part of my life journey 😅. Stay tuned for future numerology posts!

Original blog post:

I was wrong when I thought money represented freedom – for me.

And it’s not to say money can’t or doesn’t represent freedom.

But when it comes to money mindset and my relationship to the frequency of money, it was never about my relationship to freedom.

I recently started following Rose Wu, Money Psychic, and one of the main things they often share is that money is relational.

You have a relationship with money, and it mirrors your relationship patterns, beliefs, and habits.

On the other side of that *ahem* coin, your relationship with money can teach you about your other (human) relationships, and perhaps show you what beliefs or patterns you might be clinging to.

For a long time, I sort of just believed that I had a problem receiving money, that I felt uncomfortable receiving.

And that may have been the truth for a while, but it was just what I could see on the surface. It was the first layer I had to peel back.

The more I evolved in this area, I realized that I actually don’t have a problem receiving. I love receiving. It feels great. More, please.

So, I started to reexamine money in my life. If I wasn’t uncomfortable receiving, did I feel discomfort somewhere else?

In my past, I’ve felt really uncomfortable spending money.

Most of the money mindset dialogue focuses on receiving. It’s easy to get caught in that myopic view.

Now, of course I’m not saying that this isn’t true for some people. That can absolutely be the case. I’m saying this wasn’t the whole truth for me.

So, then I asked, “Why would someone be uncomfortable giving something away?”

Perhaps if you felt you didn’t have enough of it, you would want to hold onto it as long as possible.

If you weren’t sure when you would receive more, you’d want to ration it.

And if you weren’t sure you could trust it to be reliably and consistently available to you when you were receiving it, you’d eventually close yourself off from receiving it in the first place to avoid the pain and worry.

I felt like I was onto something.

Which led me to ask myself, “Where in my life have I ever felt like this?”

And that’s when I realized that money didn’t really represent freedom for me.

Money meant love. Money meant attention and care.

I realized that in some early relationships, I received crumbs of love. And I craved these crumbs. I wanted more crumbs. Because it felt so good when I finally received them. 

But I wasn’t sure when the next crumb would come my way. 

I couldn’t trust that it would always be there, or that there was always more of it on the way.

I ended up focusing on the relationships where I felt lack, trying my best to make myself palatable. If I could just be perfect enough, I’d get more crumbs. And maybe they wouldn’t abandon me.

➡️ This post by Rose Wu was a lightbulb moment:

As a result, most of the *emotional* energy in your money relationship goes towards managing your fear of abandonment.
Rose Wu

I directed so much attention to where I was lacking, that I ignored the relationships that provided an abundance of care and love.

So instead of expressing gratitude for all that I did have, I was telling the Universe, “More crumbs, please.”

I believed I was worthy of crumbs. I believed I needed them. I believed that’s all I would ever have.

These are beliefs I thought I was done with, honestly. I’ve done the worthiness work. I know I’m worthy. But knowing and showing up with that energy are two different things. You can know you’re worthy, and still repeat the pattern that says you believe otherwise.

And finally, I’m breaking that pattern. That’s not the story I’m writing going forward – not for any of my relationships, with money or otherwise.

This means boundaries and standards for the relationships I accept into my life. This means being the first to treat myself how I want to be treated.

It’s not only about the receiving or only about the giving away/spending. It’s BOTH. And it’s neither. It’s more about the how and the energy behind it all.

What seemed to be an issue with receiving, was really a protective mechanism covering up some deep-seated anxiety about spending and feeling like I have enough. And both of these boil down to trust and fear of abandonment, as mirrored in some early (and even more recent) relationships.

So for me, money doesn’t represent freedom and independence (though of course it’s still a tool to help you obtain them). Money = love and care. Reaching this level of realization feels…I mean, I don’t really have the words beyond “amazing.” It’s more than that, though. It’s like breaking open what seems like a dull, grey rock to find a dazzling crystal formation inside.

What might money represent for you?

Here are some questions that might help you peel back those layers:

    • Could I trust the love and care I received as a child?
    • Could I rely on receiving love?
    • Have I been trying to make myself palatable in my relationships?
    • Am I worried someone might abandon me?
    • Do I feel safe and secure in my relationships?
    • Do I feel anxious when someone gives me money or gifts?
    • Do I feel anxious spending money or paying bills?
    • Are there relationships in my life that feel consistent, reliable, and secure?