March 2022 Update: Fun fact! I’ve recently learned my “soul urge” number in numerology is 8, which is all about money, power, abundance, etc. Of COURSE this is a big part of my life journey đ . Stay tuned for future numerology posts!
Original blog post:
I was wrong when I thought money represented freedom – for me.
And itâs not to say money canât or doesnât represent freedom.
But when it comes to money mindset and my relationship to the frequency of money, it was never about my relationship to freedom.
I recently started following Rose Wu, Money Psychic, and one of the main things they often share is that money is relational.
You have a relationship with money, and it mirrors your relationship patterns, beliefs, and habits.
On the other side of that *ahem* coin, your relationship with money can teach you about your other (human) relationships, and perhaps show you what beliefs or patterns you might be clinging to.
For a long time, I sort of just believed that I had a problem receiving money, that I felt uncomfortable receiving.
And that may have been the truth for a while, but it was just what I could see on the surface. It was the first layer I had to peel back.
The more I evolved in this area, I realized that I actually donât have a problem receiving. I love receiving. It feels great. More, please.
So, I started to reexamine money in my life. If I wasnât uncomfortable receiving, did I feel discomfort somewhere else?
In my past, Iâve felt really uncomfortable spending money.
Most of the money mindset dialogue focuses on receiving. Itâs easy to get caught in that myopic view.
Now, of course Iâm not saying that this isnât true for some people. That can absolutely be the case. Iâm saying this wasnât the whole truth for me.
So, then I asked, âWhy would someone be uncomfortable giving something away?â
Perhaps if you felt you didnât have enough of it, you would want to hold onto it as long as possible.
If you werenât sure when you would receive more, youâd want to ration it.
And if you werenât sure you could trust it to be reliably and consistently available to you when you were receiving it, youâd eventually close yourself off from receiving it in the first place to avoid the pain and worry.
I felt like I was onto something.
Which led me to ask myself, âWhere in my life have I ever felt like this?â
And thatâs when I realized that money didnât really represent freedom for me.
Money meant love. Money meant attention and care.
I realized that in some early relationships, I received crumbs of love. And I craved these crumbs. I wanted more crumbs. Because it felt so good when I finally received them.Â
But I wasnât sure when the next crumb would come my way.Â
I couldnât trust that it would always be there, or that there was always more of it on the way.
I ended up focusing on the relationships where I felt lack, trying my best to make myself palatable. If I could just be perfect enough, Iâd get more crumbs. And maybe they wouldnât abandon me.
âĄď¸ This post by Rose Wu was a lightbulb moment:
âAs a result, most of the *emotional* energy in your money relationship goes towards managing your fear of abandonment.â
– Rose Wu
I directed so much attention to where I was lacking, that I ignored the relationships that provided an abundance of care and love.
So instead of expressing gratitude for all that I did have, I was telling the Universe, âMore crumbs, please.â
I believed I was worthy of crumbs. I believed I needed them. I believed thatâs all I would ever have.
These are beliefs I thought I was done with, honestly. Iâve done the worthiness work. I know Iâm worthy. But knowing and showing up with that energy are two different things. You can know youâre worthy, and still repeat the pattern that says you believe otherwise.
And finally, Iâm breaking that pattern. Thatâs not the story Iâm writing going forward – not for any of my relationships, with money or otherwise.
This means boundaries and standards for the relationships I accept into my life. This means being the first to treat myself how I want to be treated.
It’s not only about the receiving or only about the giving away/spending. It’s BOTH. And it’s neither. It’s more about the how and the energy behind it all.
What seemed to be an issue with receiving, was really a protective mechanism covering up some deep-seated anxiety about spending and feeling like I have enough. And both of these boil down to trust and fear of abandonment, as mirrored in some early (and even more recent) relationships.
So for me, money doesnât represent freedom and independence (though of course itâs still a tool to help you obtain them). Money = love and care. Reaching this level of realization feelsâŚI mean, I donât really have the words beyond âamazing.â Itâs more than that, though. Itâs like breaking open what seems like a dull, grey rock to find a dazzling crystal formation inside.
What might money represent for you?
Here are some questions that might help you peel back those layers:
-
- Could I trust the love and care I received as a child?
- Could I rely on receiving love?
- Have I been trying to make myself palatable in my relationships?
- Am I worried someone might abandon me?
- Do I feel safe and secure in my relationships?
- Do I feel anxious when someone gives me money or gifts?
- Do I feel anxious spending money or paying bills?
- Are there relationships in my life that feel consistent, reliable, and secure?